A follow up to Lost Someone – why are weekends harder?
A while ago I wrote a post about why I think that grief is harder at the weekends and had an overwhelming response to the post with some lovely comments and it really made me realise that even though everyone goes on their own journey through grief the feelings are probably all very similar for each person who has lost a special person from their lives.
I have thought a lot about sharing another post along the same lines as I don’t want anyone to think I am looking for sympathy because that is certainly not what I want but if I can help one person in the future to not feel isolated by their thoughts and for them to know that they are not the only one experiencing the feelings then I will be happy.
As I have mentioned in my last post about losing someone, Daves mum, Ali has really helped me with our chats since my mum passed away in March this year (thank you again Ali for the support). A few weeks ago we were out walking and I mentioned that the thing I am finding difficult just now is making decisions, this is really out of character for me and although I can still make decisions I just don’t like doing it and feel uncomfortable when being faced with a choice and just want someone else to take control and help me.
Definition of ‘decision’:-1. a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.2. the action or process of deciding something or of resolving a question3. the ability or tendency to make decisions quickly; decisiveness
Before we lost my mum I would have described myself as a decision maker, a completer finisher (AKA control freak), reasonably confident and in control. Since losing mum I feel overwhelmed by making decisions, I am distracted, my confidence is a bit knocked and at times I feel close to being out of control. This varies from the big important decisions to the small ones like where we are going to go for dinner.
On talking to Ali, she explained that it is not so much about the making the decision that is the overwhelming thing. It is everything that follows after the decision. So if I make the decision to go to a certain place for dinner for me and a couple of friends and we get there and something is not right or they don’t like it, or it is total flop then I will feel responsible for choosing the place and impacting on their day / night out.
When you are feeling totally fine, this is not a big deal and you would all have a laugh about it but when you are easily overwhelmed & feeling a bit sensitive then a simple thing like making a decision as simple as going out for dinner that doesn’t turn out how you planned it too can be really impactful and make you feel like shit.
I think there is an element of the aftermath of making a decision that is overwhelming but I also think there is an element of reverting back to a simpler, almost childlike state whilst going through grief. The feeling I have is that I just want someone to look after me and help me and make all the decisions for me so I can just not think about things and just go with the flow.
It is now just over 3 months since my mum passed away and there is kind of a weird expectation that you should be ok within a couple of months of losing someone. I am not sure if this is true for anyone who lost one of their specials but it certainly is not for me but I think that is completely ok. My mum was one of the most important people in my life and I don’t think that I will ever be 100% ok again but I will keep pushing myself to make sure life doesn’t pass me by whilst I am working through my grief and hopefully, for now, people will make some of the decisions for me.
If you know someone working through something then maybe think about arranging something for the two of you to do to take away the decision making from the other person, I know I appreciate it and it helps me.